Let me guess…
Today is the day, right?
Today is the day where you don’t actually launch the blog.
Ok Ok. How about you spend some more time coming up with reasons why you’re not ready to take the next step. We’ll reconvene tomorrow, only to yet again, decide it won’t actually be the day.
Ugh. She was right.
And the worst part is that I was staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror while listening to the my own catty internal dialogue.
It’s been almost a year of kicking this big idea back and forth in my head and mind molding it into a clear vision. The past few months I’ve been getting ready, to get ready, to get it ready. The site has actually been up and live for the last few weeks, but with only my “about” section complete..ish.
I’m certain you’re wondering what the big whoop is about launching a blog in the first place.
Everyone’s doing it.
All you need is access to a computer or smartphone, an opinion, and within minutes you’re a blogger.
The crazy cat lady finds time to update her readers on the status of Mr. Chuckles litter box habits, or what about the guy who can’t stop blogging about chemtrails and touting the amazing apocalypse “go bag” he’s been working so diligently on?
So if it’s nothing new and anyone can do it…what the hell is preventing me??
In an attempt to overcome this hurdle I have been doing some serious reflecting over the past few days and that’s when it hit me. I have discovered the culprit of my hesitation!
It seems that there is a negative asshole pining for me to fail.
I know. I’m just as pissed about it and in order to move forward I MUST expose them!
Who is it???
THEY. <dun dun dunnnn>
Who….who are they?
No…that’s them, THEY. I get It’s confusing, but stick with me.
THEY sure get around in setting a status quo and over the years have played a huge roll in fueling my insecurities across the board. The following are three examples of attempted sabotage by these nameless and faceless little buggers.
- What if THEY don’t like me because of my size?
What in the hell does this have to do with a blog? Not much, but it has everything do with where I’ve come from. When I was around the age of 6 or 7 I ran home after playing with the neighborhood kids crying to my mama, “no one wants to play with a fat kid”.
She reassured me that wasn’t the case, but as we can see in the above pic I was no little tyke and remained that way for most of my life.
I don’t remember much outright bullying due to my weight, but because I have always been perceptive of people’s behavior I quickly picked up on how kids interacted with me. Last to be picked for school activity teams, couldn’t wear the latest fashion trends, and boys never paid me much attention. Over time any whispers or weird looks warranted or not, were interpreted as fat shaming in my head.
I held back from “putting myself out there” so that I wouldn’t be rejected and humiliated in front of my peers. I became great at playing the supporting role in my friend’s creative endeavors and avoided sticking my neck out too far in my own interests.
Even though that was years ago THEY continue to heckle me and make it difficult to step away from the security of the sidelines.
My skin might be thin, but I am not. I’m a woman with curves who has worked super hard to get my health where it’s at today.
And it’s a battle every day to keep on this path.
BUT THAT’S JUST IT!
I want Soulshine 247 to be a place where I can share with you my imperfect journey.
So settle down, THEY. If there’s something to be said about my weight then I’ll be sure to reach out once I’m finished with this cookie…gluten free of course.
2. What if THEY hate my writing?
FULL DISCLOSURE- I am not a writer, I have poor grammar, limited vocabulary, and to me, punctuation is a puzzle.
It wasn’t till recently that I learned what the hell an “elipsees” was even though I end most of my text messages with it. My High School English teacher once told me that I tell a good story, but my grammar was shit. I adored that man and he was right, but I was too interested in being social and didn’t have time to care.
However, just because I do not write well technically it doesn’t mean that I don’t have something to say. Though I will admit that by not grasping fundamentals like grammar and punctuation getting my thoughts to paper can be a painstaking task.
I’m a grown ass woman and in the spirit of self-improvement I have enrolled in an online English course at Alison.com! It’s free and there are a ton of courses to choose from.
It truly is never too late to learn or re-learn skills that help to feed your passion.
In your literary criticizing faces, THEY!
3. What if THEY say not to bother because similar content is already available?
The pressure to create relative content is heavy and I’m not touting that what you’ll read here in the coming months is unlike anything else in the interwebs.
I actually think that we spend way too much time separating ourselves by differences instead of embracing our similarities.
Our individual perspectives may be unique, but we all know love, laughter, joy, pain, sorrow and by connecting through those experiences is where, I believe, we find Humanity’s sweet spot.
We ARE ONE so let’s celebrate!
OK so listen, friends, I realize who THEY really are. Past trauma and rejection echo in my mind and still dictate my actions today. It’s my own heckling that breaks me down and tries to convince me that I’m not thin enough, smart enough, or relevant enough to go after my desires.
MY DESIRES. MINE.
You mean to tell me that I’M not good enough to create the kind of experience I WANT in MY LIFE??!
Well that just sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?
I didn’t realize the damage that can be done to unknowingly allow that negative little voice in my mind to whisper thoughts of doubt and fear. I wasn’t taking the time to explore and discover that it was my own voice and I have the power to silence it.
And not only to silence it, but to turn up my voice of positive encouragement.
Can you relate? Are you holding back from fulfilling a goal of yours, because THEY say you can’t?
If so, it’s time to sit down, silence the negativity, and turn up your voice of positivity.
Find your voice. Find your power.
Not just once.
We have to find it over and over and sometimes all day long.
It sounds exhausting, but fighting self-sabotage is actually much easier than fighting the desire to go out and build the life you want.
The ghost of “what if” shows no mercy in its haunt.
Soooo here we go! A nervous click of the mouse and my blog will officially launch along with my first post. The work has just begun and as for THEY…Don’t rain on my fucking parade.
Shine on, friends. Xx